In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
The uberlube is also flammable
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
