she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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