I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
