I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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