Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
