My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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