So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
