when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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