So drunk its hurt
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
