im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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