Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
