Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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