Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Randomize
