I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
