now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
