I'm sorry my penis didn't work
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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