I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
