matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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