i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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