I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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