i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Randomize
