Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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