Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
