Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
