You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize