Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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