I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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