just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
