this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
