I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
he thought i was a dude.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
