First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
