she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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