gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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