i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Randomize
