I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
We are two peas in an std pod
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
