Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I am midnight drunk by noon
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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