i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
No more Irish car bombs ever.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
