Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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