No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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