im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
