I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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