I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
