carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
