LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
