the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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