There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
