508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
