I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
