I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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