Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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