i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
