Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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