I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
