Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I enjoy the company of your penis
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize