yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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