First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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