My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
