You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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