Apparently you make a good broom.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
